Uninstalled Java, SE Binary crashing MC still

ok so I have spent two whole days trying to fix this and I am over it. I want a refund. Mojang fix this or give me money back. I am not the only one having this issue, it's all over the internet.

Completely ignored arguments: [--nativeLauncherVersion, 286]
[11:03:02] [Client thread/INFO]: Setting user: jdperrynative
[11:03:02] [Client thread/INFO]: (Session ID is token:99ba984ea8c14243a1ce6f656c6809ac:7d8828f1ba684eaea82f02c9ab3eb01a)
[11:03:08] [Client thread/INFO]: LWJGL Version: 2.9.4
[11:03:09] [Client thread/INFO]: Reloading ResourceManager: Default
[11:03:11] [Sound Library Loader/INFO]: Starting up SoundSystem...
[11:03:12] [Thread-6/INFO]: Initializing LWJGL OpenAL
[11:03:12] [Thread-6/INFO]: (The LWJGL binding of OpenAL.  For more information, see http://www.lwjgl.org)
[11:03:12] [Thread-6/INFO]: OpenAL initialized.
[11:03:12] [Sound Library Loader/INFO]: Sound engine started
[11:03:21] [Client thread/INFO]: Created: 512x512 textures-atlas
[11:03:42] [Server thread/INFO]: Starting integrated minecraft server version 1.8.8
[11:03:42] [Server thread/INFO]: Generating keypair
[11:03:42] [Server thread/INFO]: Preparing start region for level 0
[11:03:43] [Server thread/INFO]: Preparing spawn area: 6%
[11:03:44] [Server thread/INFO]: Preparing spawn area: 29%
[11:03:45] [Server thread/INFO]: Preparing spawn area: 55%
[11:03:46] [Server thread/INFO]: Preparing spawn area: 90%
[11:03:47] [Server thread/INFO]: Changing view distance to 8, from 10
[11:03:49] [Server thread/INFO]: jdperrynative[local:E:e869d4eb] logged in with entity id 425 at (68.5, 65.0, 205.5)
[11:03:49] [Server thread/INFO]: jdperrynative joined the game
[11:03:53] [Server thread/WARN]: Can't keep up! Did the system time change, or is the server overloaded? Running 4715ms behind, skipping 94 tick(s)

Uninstall all old versions of Java, install a fresh one, then open a command prompt window and type "java -version" with no quotes, what does it say?

java version "1.8.0_60"
java (tm) se runtime environment <build 1.8.0_60-b27>
java hotspot client VM <build 25.60 b-23, mixed mode>

Java SE binary has stopped working.
Completely ignored arguments: [--nativeLauncherVersion, 286]
[12:15:01] [Client thread/INFO]: Setting user: jdperrynative
[12:15:01] [Client thread/INFO]: (Session ID is token:99ba984ea8c14243a1ce6f656c6809ac:7d8828f1ba684eaea82f02c9ab3eb01a)
[12:15:07] [Client thread/INFO]: LWJGL Version: 2.9.4
[12:15:08] [Client thread/INFO]: Reloading ResourceManager: Default
[12:15:10] [Sound Library Loader/INFO]: Starting up SoundSystem...
[12:15:10] [Thread-6/INFO]: Initializing LWJGL OpenAL
[12:15:10] [Thread-6/INFO]: (The LWJGL binding of OpenAL.  For more information, see http://www.lwjgl.org)
AL lib: (EE) MMDevApiOpenPlayback: Device init failed: 0x80004005
AL lib: (EE) MMDevApiOpenPlayback: Device init failed: 0x80004005
[12:15:10] [Thread-6/ERROR]: Error in class 'LibraryLWJGLOpenAL'
[12:15:10] [Thread-6/ERROR]: Unable to initialize OpenAL.  Probable cause: OpenAL not supported.
[12:15:10] [Thread-6/WARN]: ERROR MESSAGE:
[12:15:10] [Thread-6/INFO]: Could not locate OpenAL library.
[12:15:10] [Thread-6/WARN]: STACK TRACE:
[12:15:10] [Thread-6/INFO]: org.lwjgl.openal.AL.create(AL.java:156)
[12:15:10] [Thread-6/INFO]: org.lwjgl.openal.AL.create(AL.java:102)
[12:15:11] [Thread-6/INFO]: org.lwjgl.openal.AL.create(AL.java:206)
[12:15:11] [Thread-6/INFO]: paulscode.sound.libraries.LibraryLWJGLOpenAL.init(LibraryLWJGLOpenAL.java:164)
[12:15:11] [Thread-6/INFO]: paulscode.sound.SoundSystem.CommandNewLibrary(SoundSystem.java:1576)
[12:15:11] [Thread-6/INFO]: paulscode.sound.SoundSystem.CommandQueue(SoundSystem.java:2572)
[12:15:11] [Thread-6/INFO]: paulscode.sound.CommandThread.run(CommandThread.java:121)
[12:15:11] [Sound Library Loader/WARN]: ERROR MESSAGE:
[12:15:11] [Sound Library Loader/INFO]: Could not locate OpenAL library.
[12:15:11] [Sound Library Loader/INFO]: Starting up SoundSystem...
[12:15:11] [Thread-8/INFO]: Switching to No Sound
[12:15:11] [Thread-8/INFO]: (Silent Mode)
[12:15:11] [Sound Library Loader/INFO]: Sound engine started
[12:15:17] [Client thread/INFO]: Created: 512x512 textures-atlas
[12:15:29] [Server thread/INFO]: Starting integrated minecraft server version 1.8.8
[12:15:29] [Server thread/INFO]: Generating keypair
[12:15:29] [Server thread/INFO]: Preparing start region for level 0
[12:15:30] [Server thread/INFO]: Preparing spawn area: 7%
[12:15:31] [Server thread/INFO]: Preparing spawn area: 29%
[12:15:32] [Server thread/INFO]: Preparing spawn area: 56%
[12:15:33] [Server thread/INFO]: Preparing spawn area: 96%
[12:15:34] [Server thread/INFO]: Changing view distance to 8, from 10
[12:15:35] [Server thread/INFO]: jdperrynative[local:E:afaafc75] logged in with entity id 425 at (68.5, 65.0, 205.5)
[12:15:36] [Server thread/INFO]: jdperrynative joined the game
[12:15:39] [Server thread/WARN]: Can't keep up! Did the system time change, or is the server overloaded? Running 3593ms behind, skipping 71 tick(s)

Are you still having this issue? If so, which Minecraft launcher are you using? Did you download the .msi launcher, intended for Windows? If so, try downloading the Linux launcher, it's just a .jar file, so it should work assuming you have Java installed.

If not, what computer do you have? I can take the name or it's model number, along with the manufacturer. If it's custom-built, what components did you use? What do you usually do when you're not playing Minecraft?