"The game has crashed." Error codes: 0xc0000005 and 0x1

The launcher has inexplicably decided not to work. Attempting to open the launcher yields the message “The game has crashed.” and error code 0xc0000005 or 0x1. I have tried everything short of nuking my hard drive.

Failed troubleshooting attempts:

• Restart PC

• Run Minecraft Launcher as an administrator

• Restart and Repair Minecraft Launcher

• Uninstall/Reinstall Minecraft Launcher

• Update graphics drivers

• Roll back graphics drivers

• Check for corrupted files

• Update Windows

• Disable antivirus software

• Perform a clean boot

• Various Command Prompt and Powershell commands