As you can see from the wide range of environment info I gave, I have no idea what's causing this. The game keeps giving me the critical error "An unexpected issue occurred and the game has crashed. We're sorry for the inconvenience." every time I try to launch it, despite completely reinstalling the launcher.
I've searched other reports of similar errors and none of them seem to apply to the current situation. I can't find any records or logs of the crash either.
[0721/000119:ERROR:LocalVersionProvider.cpp(127)] Version 1.8.3-M3L-0.1b doesn't have a json file.
[0721/000119:INFO:GameCallbacks.cpp(193)] launcher/launcher (main) info Process closed with exit code 1
[0721/000119:INFO:GameCallbacks.cpp(193)] launcher/launcher (main) info Error occurred during initialization of VM
java/lang/NoClassDefFoundError: java/lang/Object
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Attached.

Please have a look at the suggested fixes at MCL-6022 and report back if any of these fixes work.

Finally had an opportunity to do so, solution #3 worked. I didn't attempt #4, but that does not seem to be the issue either (as I put down, my version is 388.13 versus their 378.49 which seems to be the primary faulty driver version)