Julian Hepner
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It appears I posted a duplicate earlier. Anyway, I turned off all of the avast shields and disabled every firewall on my computer and I get the exact same issue with an identical crash report.
I have turned off all of the avast shields and every firewall on my computer to no effect.
Completely uninstalling my antivirus software fixed the issue. It was avast! Free antivirus. The software was apparently blocking the game without notification.