@LetsDieTonight,
I'm normally a bit of a writer, too, but I really want this fixed so I can play at all today. It's extremely frustrating to want to get back into the game, then be unable to do so.
There's nothing in "C:\Users[USERNAME]\AppData\Roaming\.minecraft"? I had to search my computer for the launcher_log.txt file.
Possibly the same error encountered in MCL-12282
Please see that thread for my error log.
Dunno about OP's error log, but here's mine! I just installed the current version of Minecraft (my version was from 2013 or so), launched the .msi and it installed properly, then launched the Launcher, and it came back with the exact same error as OP.
Popping in from MCL-12282 to add:
WINDOWS WORKAROUND UPDATE:
For anyone who isn't a coder/programmer and doesn't understand this thread's workaround, my husband simplified it for me.
Open a Command Prompt. Type "cmd" after opening the Start Menu, hit enter.
Type "SET TMP=<drive where your MinecraftLauncher.exe is located>:\TEMP" Be sure to use the correct \ vs / or it won't work! Hit enter.
Type in the full path to your MinecraftLauncher.exe file and hit enter. This will open the Minecraft Launcher with the permissions to access Java. The Command Prompt may now be closed.
Game on!
. . .
PROFIT!!!